:-( B.C.

I spent a weekend in Paris where I made an important discovery while visiting the Louvre. As you can see in the photograph that I took, the sad smiley had already been invented by the Egyptians more than 4000 years ago.

Where do I get ideas? In the Retarded folder

I haven't read message boards for ages and my brain thanks me for it, but who knows how many countless gems I'm missing. When I used to read them, I'd copy and save posts that were retarded enough to stand out for exemplary stupidity even in the great Ocean of Dumb of gaming forums. Unfortunately I changed PCs at work and when I did a backup of my stuff I forgot to copy over my beloved Retarded folder, so I have almost nothing left. These are two of the few things that remain.

The first is a sample of an insanely long drama post on a WoW forum. I already had in mind to feature a drama queen in the comic so I copied it for future reference:
He told me the reason he broke up with her was because she wanted to have a 3sum with him and some other guy. He also told me about Zenithfaith/Zenithstorm, and said they knew eachother in real-life. He said that she was too shy to make out with him, but that they would fool around all of the time. He said she was the reason he started playing WoW. At the moment, he is dating someone I thought was a friend, Lunarflower, who after 20 minutes of knowing my friend Serujisu, whispered to me she thought she had a major crush on him. Gawain and I laughed and made fun of her, and talked about how pathetic they both were (which later we found out Serujisu never had interest in her, so it was just her). I also found out from a friend that she's tried dating Bouncerr and someone else from Judgement. We cracked up for a day on how lame she was, but now he hypocritically went to her because he knew she was easy."
She goes on and on AND ON like this for pages. Amazing. I'll use choice bits to script Emonika's dialogue. Seriously, you can't make this shit up.

The second is a three year old post from someone who was extremely saddened by the introduction of pvp in City of Heroes (when they announced City of Villains). I really don't see how I can use this in any way in the comic, but if I could somehow re-create the pathos and drama that this moron infuses in a post about a FUCKING GAME, it would make for some fine script:

"Beta reports made me dream of a game that brings out the best in players. Finally, a game relatively free of d00ds, griefers and silly immature behavior.
I thought I would see players that care for other players, who know that grief in the game actually hurts the real person in front of the screen... those players that know that hurt is bad.

Now its pvp... now the griefers come. Lets welcome the d00ds, powerlevelers and leet-speak kids.

It doesnt matter if pvp is separate. They will be all over the community, like everywhere else. Their issues will be on the boards, their playing style will contaminate every discussion.

Its a mindset, a way of thinking. If there is a chance to mess with other players, those who like to mess with other players will come and do just that.
I wished so hard to for once be able to avoid them - to forget about them.

I think it will feel much less fun being a hero now. It doesnt feel like fun at all.

There comes the attitude, the foul mouth, the silly behavior.

Right now, hope is gone."

Make a wish emails

A reader on the tagboard asked me to blog more and I was so surprised that someone would want to read my drivel that I decided to indulge him/her. I've even enabled comments, so all the viagra dealers have a place to append their spam. I very rarely have anything meaningful to speak about but nothing is easier than talking without nothing to say. That reader will rue the day he asked for this.

A colleague sent me one of those chain emails that normally I delete on sight - make a wish, read the prayer to St Teresa, send this email to 12 other people and your wish will be granted within four days, etc. etc.
The email also mentioned that I had to include the sender in the group of 12 people, so I feel a bit bad not sending it back to my colleague. One thing is to think "WTF did you send me, did you lose your mind?" but keep the thought to yourself, another is to let your silence say it for you. Maybe this lady wished for something awesome like peace on Earth and I'm fucking it up for her.

Of course I could send it back saying "I MADE A WISH THAT YOU'LL STOP SENDING ME THIS RETARDED SHIT - BUT FAT CHANCE OF THAT HAPPENING, YOU MOTHERFUCKING MORON!", but that would be just as rude as not answering. Maybe even a bit ruder.

Let's have a look at the requirements. Let's assume for sake of argument that St Teresa really exists and that she cares about this email being forwarded it exactly twelve people. Maybe that creates just enough Heavenly Mana points for a small miracle. I guess that sending it back just to the colleague and pretending that I sent it around wouldn't fullfill the conditions.

So I wonder - what if I forward it to my colleague and 11 people picked at random from my spam box? Would that satisfy the requirements? For example, there's a Lara Leary who's been eagerly trying to get me interested in a "fine-looking Innoccent Cutie getting splendid it anallly!" (how does one get splendid anally? maybe it's somehow related to mystical ecstasy and they would appreciate a prayer email to St Theresa); there's a Sushi bar in Spain that keeps sending me emails about their home delivery service (that'd be some ripe salmon nigiri by the time it got here); and so on. Do these count as people for the purposes of email miracles? If they don't, St Theresa may get really pissed - and who knows what other superpowers she has aside from granting wishes by email? Better not risk it.